This is very difficult for me to type. As I’m hitting the keys to write this, I’m still second-guessing this decision. But, it sadly is a decision that must be made. For a while now, longer than I would like to admit, I have contemplated stepping away from writing.
I love writing. It’s one of the great pleasures of my life. Being able to produce something and know that it’s out there for people to read is wonderful. Knowing people are reading it and enjoying it is one of the most fantastic things in the world. However corny it sounds, I’m happy when my readers are happy. My goal when I started with this venture was to give those who remember and liked Frankie Stone, Bianca Montgomery, and their pairing, FAB, something that so many other couples had and which there was very little of for them. Simplistically, it was fanfiction. Stories. Words. And yes, that’s what I did. I wrote some words and posted them in places for fanfiction. Looked at more broadly, I wanted to give them a sign. As corny or crazy as it may sound, I wanted to give those people the knowledge that there were others out there who also liked these characters and pairing. The Maggie/Bianca, Reese/Bianca, Lena/Bianca, and lately the Marissa/Bianca relationships all had so many voices. They had fanfiction. They had groups and websites. Boards where people talked constantly about them. Twitter hashtags. (I won't even get started on other fandoms such as Glee) FAB fans had none of these. In some small way, I wanted to throw out a voice they could hear. Give them their own fanfiction to read. Allow them to remember these characters and this pairing. Let them delve back into what they had enjoyed so much on their tv screens back in 2001. I wanted to give the other fans out there that because it was something I had been searching for as well. I was a simple FAB fan who saw nothing out there for my chosen characters and pairing amongst a sea of others. This was why I wrote so much. Tried to get as much out there as I could. Strived to interact with readers.
I hope I was able to accomplish something to that effect, otherwise I might feel a teeny tiny bit disheartened.
Anyway, whatever the main overarching crazy delusional goal was, in the end I’m just a writer. A simple fanfiction writer. To make it even more simple, I’m writing stories for a pairing that involved a character who was only on television for 3 months over ten years ago in a relationship some people even question the validity of. (Yes, they were in a relationship. Just because you didn’t see them in bed on screen doesn’t mean they weren’t. It was 2001, and ABC wasn’t too big on showing much between Bianca and anyone at that time let alone poor ol’ Frankie.)
As I said above, I’ve been contemplating stopping writing. And, my decision has been made. I’m stopping. It’s not because I do not like these characters anymore. It’s not because I’ve run out of ideas. It’s none of that. To be blunt, it’s because I’ve finally had to face the fact that next to no one out there cares about FAB. No one wants to read it. I can only go off of comments and feedback. My stories are extremely popular and lucky if I get 2-3 reviews on them. 2-3 reviews means no one likes the story. Or no one likes the characters. I don’t know if it’s my writing style, FAB, or whatever, but in the end it doesn’t matter. I write the way I write, and I write FAB. Neither is really going to change.
There are readers out there who have been fantastic. I appreciate you all more than anything. I can’t put into words how much your loyalty has meant to me. Unfortunately, I’m not good enough or strong enough to keep myself motivated and writing when the fact very few want my work is slapping me in the face. To be honest, at times I feel like I’m just wasting time and internet space. While I have been told it was only one person who said so and it doesn’t mean much, my latest poll (which was a subtle gauge of interest in my stories and a strive for motivation – sorry I didn’t tell you all) even got a vote for me to stop writing FAB. That was a gut-punching eye-opener. If someone took the time to go to my LJ poll and say I should stop, that is something I must listen to.
Will I stop forever? It’s hard to say. I want to say no. There are many unfinished stories here and a lot more to be told beyond that. But, I don’t know. I don’t know if people would even want me to.
I’m not trying to be mean or blame anyone. I’m sorry if it comes across that way. Those who take the time to read this are probably those who actually did enjoy my work. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to continue on for you all. I hope this is only a lapse and I can get myself back in the saddle, so to speak. At this moment, I can’t. I just can’t.
Oh, and sorry for this rambling post. It’s a bit long and asinine, but I’ve been known to write long boring asinine things from time to time.
Your humbled writer
So, as you know, right now I'm doing this thing where I post every Monday. Well, I will be away from my computer (yay vacation) next Monday. Bummer, I know (not really). But, because I don't want you all to miss out on a Monday post, I have posted twice today. That's right! Twice! So, you can either be greedy and read both today. Or, you can read one today and save the second for next Monday. Your choice.
I'll see you all in two weeks!
Your Humble Writer